Category Archives: Fat

What Brought Me Here

I want to talk a little bit about how I came to be as fat as I am. I promise to make it as short as I can.

I have been overweight for as along as I can remember. I am told, and photographic evidence bears this out, that up until I was four I was a skinny little thing. But by five I was already sporting a bit of a belly. I wasn’t fat. Not yet. Not then. But I was no longer a skinny little thing to be sure.

Over the next eight years I grew more up than out and by the time I was thirteen I was close to six feet tall and chubby. Looking back now I wasn’t anywhere near fat — maybe twenty pounds over what I “should” have been — but I thought I was the fattest thing in the world. Towering over all of my girlfriends didn’t help. I was tall and broad and freakishly strong. I wanted to be small and short and willowy. (I’ve always wanted to be described as “willowy.” But even if I lost ALL the weight I have to lose and then some I will NEVER be willowy. I’m just not built that way, I don’t think.)

I’ll skip over the junior high and high school years. They’re too painful to recount in detail now. Let’s just say that my peers did little to disabuse me of the notion that I was a big, fat, worthless pig. I left them behind soon enough but the trauma stayed with me. I internalized it. And I spent my twenties hating being fat and punishing myself for it by compulsively overeating my way up to 330 pounds. Yeah, I know, it makes no fucking sense to me either. But I wasn’t exactly thinking or behaving rationally at the time.

There was one point in the middle of all that mess when I went on a starvation diet (500 calories per day) and lost maybe thirty pounds. And of course it all came back plus some when my body gave out and I could starve myself no more.

That brings us up to about two years ago. 330 pounds and more miserable than ever. A cross-country move, giving up soda and an increase in daily movement knocked off forty pounds and brought me down to about 290 pounds. That was enough for a while. Although still very fat I felt really good about the fact that I had managed to keep the weight off and not regain.

But I had stalled. Even though I was eating healthier and moving more I just wasn’t losing more weight. I was no longer compulsively overeating and though I did occasionally overindulge I wasn’t taking in impossibly huge numbers of calories. I tried a few lower-calorie, low-fat, high-carb diets but I felt deprived and miserable the whole time. I lost and regained the same seven pounds.

Then I came across a copy of Dr. Atkins’ New Diet Revolution. I had heard of low-carb dieting before, of course — it was impossible to avoid for a few years there — but I had dismissed it as a fad. This time I thought I might try it out. It just so happened that the very next book I read was Gary Taubes’ Good Calories, Bad Calories. I was sold. I figured that I would try cutting down on the carbs for a while and see what happened. If it didn’t work I’d stop.

Well, what’s happened so far is that I’ve lost fifteen pounds in two weeks and I feel healthier than I have in a long, long time. So I’m going to stick with it for a while and see where it leads me. I have a goal weight but I don’t know for sure if I’ll ever be a thin person. All I really want is to be a healthy person. My goal weight isn’t quite as meaningful to me as my goal activities: run a 5k, climb a mountain, take a plane ride without worrying about whether the seatbelt will fit or not. These are the images I tape to my fridge. This is what’s keeping me going. And I have a long, long way to go.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I need all the help I can get.


Losing More. Losing Fast.

I never thought I’d actually be saying this but I think I might be losing weight a little TOO quickly*. I’m fourteen pounds down in less than two weeks. I realize that a lot of that is water weight but sheesh. The thing is I can’t eat any more than I am already eating. Eating low carb has suppressed my appetite and I have to force myself to eat come dinner time.

On the other hand I feel absolutely fantastic. I can’t remember the last time I felt so good. Cutting out sugar has made a HUGE difference as has quitting smoking (working on day five!) Whatever it is that’s happening in the mysterious jungle of my innards it’s making me feel happy and healthy.

So do I add more carbs to slow down weight loss but possibly start feeling like crap again? Or do I sit back and enjoy this and figure that it will even out eventually?

*I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a wee thrill out of writing those words but that way lies disordered eating–something I don’t need any more of.

How Many Teaspoons???? « The Migraineur

How Many Teaspoons???? « The Migraineur.

An enlightening post reminding us to keep an eye on just how much sugar we’re eating. Just remember to divide by four!

Current Statistics Page

I’ve added a new Current Statistics Page. It’s over there in the sidebar under “See Here” unless this an old post and I’ve changed my template in which case it could be anywhere. Just keep clicking randomly until you hit a list of shockingly fat numbers.

Some of My More Petty Reasons to Lose

I have a big post planned outlining my more inspirational and noble reasons to lose weight but there are a few that aren’t so noble. Here they are in no particular order:

1. I used to have this “friend” who was nearly as big as I was. She was maybe a size smaller. She delighted in pointing out when I was looking fatter than usual. She used to give me all sorts of advice on how I could lose weight and get down to her size. Thanks but no thanks, sweetheart. You’re just as much of a fatty as I am. She annoyed me and I happen to know she is still fat. I’d kind of like to get thinner and then rub her face in it.

2. My ex boyfriend for obvious petty reasons.

3. My aunt — who has always been one of the fattest people I know (as well as an annoying, busy-body, know-it-all Jesus-freak) — has recently lost a ton of weight. I don’t want to be bigger than she is because I know she’ll find a way to needle me about it. Sorry, Auntie.

4. I just want to feel pretty and smug for a little while.

There. Got that out of my system. I’m not proud of it but I’ll take my motivation where I can get it

The First One is Always the Hardest

Welcome to my new blog. I started it so I’d have a way to document and be accountable for a few changes I am trying to make. I’ll be detailing my battle to get my fat ass under control. Right now it’s a dumptruck. I’d like to bring it down to a nice, mid-sized sedan if I can. I’m also trying to quit smoking. I’m quite a delight to be around right now, as you can imagine.

There are a lot of weight loss blogs out there. I was inspired to start this one because of the many sensitive, eloquent, well-spoken bloggers who have written intelligently about their own struggles to get in shape. I felt it was time for me to add my own voice to the pile.

The problem is I am not eloquent, well-spoken or all that intelligent. So I’m going to go for brutally honest and see if I can work it from that angle.